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vernal Fecund Reproductive Couple all nations, whatever their ideologies or credos, nourish and foster its myth: churches and governments, without exception, extol it, the various communications media exploit it to serve promotional and propagandistic ends: the Couple’s image fills the wide screen in movie houses, it is obsessively repeated on countless pages in daily papers, it pops up along superhighways and subway corridors, it is multiplied to a dizzying degree in the cyclopean eye of the boob tube: the perfumed, snow-white purity of toothpaste emphasizes their natural harmony, face creams and electric razors contribute to their well-being, the mentholated aroma of cigarettes stimulates and intoxicates them, electric household appliances strengthen the solidity of their conjugal ties, marvelous, instant-acting detergents ensure them radiant happiness: airlines and tourist agencies place them in a vast, suggestive panorama of picturesque landscapes, monuments, and beaches: lying stretched out face upward, their sheer presence enhances the tempting décor of some paradisaical island: a transparent blue sea, feathery, languid coconut palms, fine, soft sand, Polynesian cabañas in the form of a Vietnamese hat, a native boatman or two with gauguinesque leis draped about their necks: an absolutely delicious “in” drink delightfully refreshes their gullets, soothing suntan lotion softens their skin tanned to a tawny gold, andrékostelanetzesque transistor music lulls them to sleep, dreaming of happiness: the symmetrical disposition of their bodies favors their mutual rapture behind the two protective lenses of spectacularly outsize dark glasses: snapped by the camera in front of a group of imposing ruins, dressed in diaphanous pierrecardinesque, clubmediterranean outfits that they wear with careful carelessness, they are the very picture of unclouded bliss, within the reach of everyone’s pocketbook: unisex shirts and pullovers, pants in ingenious color combinations, the chronometric aid of the Swiss-watch industry, the latest miraculous camera produced by the fertile powers of invention of the Japanese: third-world natives wander by in the distance on camels or burros and disappear amid palms or olive trees, behind dusky hills or honey-colored dunes: thus everything, absolutely everything, contributes to their extraordinary splendor and adds subtle and delicate touches to their exemplary beauty: lipsticks, Kleenex, deodorants: Coca-Cola, ice-cold beer, whisky on the rocks: refrigerators, tape recorders, cars: travel, psychiatric treatment, credit cards: health clubs, diets, rest cures: and instead of growing old and fading away, getting sick or dying by accident, the Couple thrives and is rejuvenated, continually perfects itself, and full of self-admiration, seeks the means of perpetuating itself in accordance with the canons of the sacramental ritual: the selection of models is vast and guarantees the grandeur and magnificence of the ceremony: the bride is enchanting in her white satin wedding dress and her tulle illusion veil fastened down by a simple and original ornament: escorted by her father, she will arrive at the church in a picturesque coach drawn by two superb stallions, and once the moving ceremony is over, she will repair with her impeccably dressed husband to the celebrated restaurant where a cordon-bleu chef has prepared a rich and elegant wedding feast: and in front of the display windows of the Galerías Preciados in Madrid, the Samaritaine in Paris, Macy’s or Bloomingdale’s in New York, the dense, motley crowd that invades the asphaltjungle sidewalks amid the shoving and pushing characteristic of the rush hour will stop to stare with envious eyes at the luxurious model of a king-size bed destined to ensure the happy couple a long life in a happy home blessed with love, prosperity, and good fortune: an extra-firm, lace-tied mattress that assures proper support and lasting comfort: cash or credit terms: complete with matching balanced foundation boxsprings: don’t doubt it for a moment!: its construction provides a wonderful night’s rest: turn your dreams into a reality!: this week only at savings that are terrific: make up your minds, for heaven’s sake!: this quilted, extra-firm favorite is for you!: the gaping bystanders jostle one another on the other side of the display window, and elbowing your way through the crowd, you too will examine, with your nose pressed against the glass, the other furnishings of the sensational bedroom: a luxurious three-piece leather suite, a six-branched chandelier, two night tables, each with its own bed lamp, an exquisite dressing table, a chest of drawers with an enormous bouquet of tuberoses and white lilies on top of it: a reproduction of Murillo’s Virgin adds an elegant touch to the whole, and forming a pair with it, an image of the Redeemer, possessed of eyes that follow the person who contemplates it with a mute, heartbreaking gaze full of sadness and pain, presiding over the scene from above the nuptial bed itself: the Couple has just now arrived: the groom, in a top hat and morning coat, is carrying the bride in his arms, and her bashful blush, though attenuated by the delicate tulle of her veil, softly colors her cheeks: he will then solemnly deposit her in the middle of the eiderdown comforter, where the heaven-blessed act of procreation will take place, ad majorem Dei gloriam: the sighs of the protagonists emphasize the transcendent importance of the act, and with innocent modesty they will turn their backs to each other as they commence to undress: on either side of the regal bed, they will lay out on the corresponding chair the symbolic garments that cover and adorn them: the emotion that overcomes them is evident, and despite the brechtian alienation effect of the glass of the display window, it will communicate itself to the spectators crowded round about you and will strike you too like a bolt of lightning: all mystic visionaries have universally celebrated the miracle of generation, and what about you, you miserable wretch?: unproductive loves, base pleasures, infamous copulations, and never mind the rest!: the moment has come to regenerate yourself and harmoniously pluck the strings of the lyre!: the most luminous adjectives of your native tongue flock to your pen in a tumultuous throng and will convert you into a new, nobelable bard of patrimaternity! : your readers will heave sighs of relief, the critics will applaud you, classroom texts will proudly present your profound human sentiments for the respectful admiration of future generations!: the aura of historic responsibility overwhelms you, and you will gaze round about you in search of guidance and inspiration: various anthologies of poetry generously offer you their muses, and you will open one of them that you have chosen by chance: Some pray to marry the one they love, My prayer will somewhat vary, I humbly pray to Heaven above, That I love the one I marry: your enthusiastic reading fills you with rapture, and the flutelike voice of Vosk will spur you on: come on, my boy, just follow the rhythm, you’ll see how easy it is!: but the Couple is now completely undressed and the glorious events taking place in the nuptial bed command your attention: seated on one comer of the bed, beneath the combined protection of the Madonna and the Redeemer, the spouses will read aloud a selection of papal encyclicals dealing with the sacrament of marriage and its aims before consulting the illustrated edition of Sane Sex Life and Sane Sex Living, which today’s newlyweds are permitted to read, thanks to the aggiornamented blessing of the Grand Magus: in order to ensure harmonious conjugal relations which, without neglecting the aim of procreation, allow future parents a mild and moderate corporeal satisfaction: the illustrations in color offer a most generous sampler of positions that will ensure fecundation, and the Couple will study them with open minds but understandable circumspection: at once joyful, trembling, and uneasy: already foreseeing the minuscule and slight penetration that will start the gene on its well-known journey and put an end, after nine long months, to their atavistic anxieties: positions number three, sixteen, and twenty-four appear to be relatively easy, and they will make up their minds to follow the instructions for them with methodical precision: squatting down in front of each other, they will perform various gymnastico-respiratory exercises with the aim of relieving their nervous tension and facilitating the proper relaxation of their tissues: the wealth of experience set before them by the manual ought rightfully to permit them an exemplary conjugation of the verb to make love, and the impatient eyes of the crowd will be riveted upon the angle at which there converge, in chiaroscuro, the bridegroom’s thighs, awaiting the indisputable signs of a change of state: not yet manifest, it would seem, by virtue perhaps of that powerful self-possession characteristic of those who exercise strict control over their bodies thanks to the iron discipline of yoga: serene and to all appearances self-assured, he will continue for one whole hour the inspiratory-expiatory movements that make the muscles more flexible and favor the proper afflux of blood at the crucial and most opportune moment: yet despite his growing signs of fatigue and the incipient nervousness of the bride, the expected tumular flux will not be forthcoming: no prophesied dilation is visible at the vertex of the groin, and the childish face of the bridegroom will little by little express a curious mixture of distress and shame: the manual, the encyclicals, gymnastics, and yoga do not suffice: in vain he will engage in further breathing exercises, scrutinize the colored illustrations in the book, read over carefully, phrase by phrase, the doctrines propounded by Church councils: the view of his thighs will continue to be ignominiously unobstructed, and as the present indicative founders and the hope of the future retreats in the distance, the amatory conjugation will proceed in the melancholy conditional tenses and slowly and pathetically slip into the imperfect subjunctive
la risueña vernal fecunda Parejita Reproductora todas las naciones, sin distinción de ideologías ni credos, alimentan su mito, iglesias y gobiernos unánimemente la ensalzan, los diferentes medios de información se sirven de ella para fines de promoción y propaganda: su imagen ocupa la pantalla panorámica de los cines, se repite obsesiva en las páginas infinitas de los diarios, emerge a lo largo de autopistas y pasillos de metro, se multiplica hasta el delirio en el ojo ciclópeo del artefacto: la acendrada blancura y perfumado aliento de la pasta dentífrica subrayan su natural armonía, crema facial y máquina de afeitar eléctrica contribuyen a su bienestar, el aroma mentolado de los cigarrillos la estimula y embriaga, aparatos electrodomésticos robustecen la solidez de sus vínculos, detergentes instantáneos, pasmosos le aseguran una radiante felicidad: compañías aéreas y agencias turísticas la encuadran en un vasto, sugestivo despliegue de paisajes, monumentos y playas: tendida boca arriba, realza con su presencia escueta el decorado tentador de alguna isla paradisíaca: mar transparente y azul, cocoteros airosos y lánguidos, arena mullida y fina, cabañas polinesias en forma de sombrero vietnamita, algún sonriente barquero indígena con un gauguinesco collar de flores: una exquisita bebida IN refresca deliciosamente sus fauces, balsámica erema antisolar suaviza su piel dorada, andrékostelanezesca música de transistor acuna sus sueños de dicha, la simétrica disposición de sus cuerpos propicia el mutuo arrobo feliz tras la bisada protección de unas especulares gafas ahumadas: captada ante un grupo de nobles ruinas, en plena y diáfana posesión de su pierrecardinesca, clubmediterránea panoplia, ofrece la estampa de una alegría sin nubes, al alcance de todas las bolsas: camisas y jerseys unisex, pantalones que combinan con ingeniosidad sus colores, cronométrica ayuda de la industria relojera suiza, última cámara prodigio de la feraz inventiva nipona: nativos tercermundistas discurren en los lejos sobre camellos o borricos y se pierden entre palmeras u olivos, tras pardas colinas o dunas de miel: pues todo, todo, todo coadyuva a su singular esplendor y agrega pinceladas sutiles de esbeltez a su belleza paradigmática: lápices de labios, klínex, desodorantes: coca-cola, cerveza helada, whisky on the rocks: neveras, magnetófonos, automóviles: viajes, siquiatra, tarjetas de crédito: gimnasia, dietas, curas de relajación: y en vez de envejecer y marchitarse, enfermar o morir de accidente, medra y rejuvenece, continuamente se perfecciona y, llena de admiración por sí misma, busca el medio de perpetuarse conforme a los cánones del rito sacramental: el surtido de modelos es copiosísimo y garantiza el fausto y suntuosidad de la ceremonia: la novia está encantadora con su vestido de crep blanco y su velo de tul ilusión sujeto por un tocado sencillo y original: acompañada de su padre, llegará al templo en una artística carroza tirada por dos soberbios corceles y, concluido el emotivo acto, se trasladará con el apuesto marido al conocido restaurante donde un laureado chef de cuisine ha dispuesto un suculento y refinado ágape: y frente a los escaparates de Galerías Preciados, la Samaritaine, Macys o Blomingdale, el abigarrado, denso gentío que invade las junglasfaltadas aceras entre premuras y apretones propios de la rush hours se detendrá a observar con envidia el lujoso modelo de King-size bed destinado a cerciorar a la feliz pareja una larga vida hogareña llena de amor, prosperidad y ventura: an extrafirm lace-tied mattress that assures proper support and lasting comfort: venta al contado o a plazos: completed with matching balanced foundation boxspring: no dude un segundo!: its construction provides sleeping easy: conviertan sus sueños en realidades!: this week only at savings that are terrific: decídanse, qué caramba!: this quilted, extrafirm favorite is for you!: los curiosos se atropellan al otro lado de la luna del escaparate y, abriéndote paso a fuerza de codos, examinarás también, con la nariz pegada al cristal, los demás elementos del sensacional dormitorio: un lujoso tresillo de cuero, una araña veneciana de seis brazos, dos mesitas de noche con su correspondiente lámpara de cabecera, un exquisito mueble tocador, una consola con un inmenso ramo de nardos y lirios blancos: una reproducción virginal de Murillo añade un elegante toque al conjunto y, haciendo pendant, una imagen del Redentor que, al cruzar frente a ella, persigue a quien la contempla con una muda, asoladora mirada de tristeza y dolor, preside la escena sobre el mismísimo lecho nupcial: la Parejita ha llegado ya: el novio, con sombrero de copa y chaqué, lleva a la desposada en sus brazos y el rubor y el sonrojo de ella, aunque paliado por la delicadeza del velo, esmalta con suavidad sus mejillas: gravemente, la depositará en el centro del edredón donde ad majorem Dei gloriam la santificada procreación tendrá lugar: los suspiros de los protagonistas subrayan la importancia trascendental del acto y, con inocente pudor, se volverán mutuamente la espalda mientras comienzan a desvestirse: a cada lado de la regia cama, extenderán sobre el correspondiente sillón las simbólicas prendas que les abrigan y adornan: la emoción que les embarga es manifiesta y, a pesar de la brechtiana distanciación del cristal, ganará al público que te rodea y te fulminará a ti: todos los vates han cantado el milagro genésico y tú, desdichado, qué?: amores improductivos, placeres nefandos, cópulas infames, y para de contar!: ha llegado el momento de regenerarte y tañer armoniosamente la lira!: los adjetivos más luminosos del idioma acudirán en tropel a tu pluma y te convertirán en un novel, nobelable bardo de la pater-maternidad!: tus lectores suspirarán tranquilizados, los críticos te aplaudirán, los manuales de enseñanza ofrendarán orgullosamente tus entrañables sentimientos humanos a la rendida admiración de las generaciones futuras!: el aura de la histórica responsabilidad te subyuga y mirarás alrededor de ti en busca de guía e inspiración: diversas florestas poéticas te brindan amablemente su musa y abrirás una al azar: qué hermoso hubiera sido vivir bajo aquel techo, los dos unidos siempre y amándose los dos!: tú siempre enamorada, yo siempre satisfecho, los dos una sola alma, los dos un solo pecho, y en medio de nosotros, mi madre como un Dios!: la lectura te arrebata de entusiasmo y la voz aflautada de Vosk te incitará a continuar: anda, majo, sigue con el ritmo, verás qué fácil es: pero la Parejita se ha desvestido del todo y los gloriosos sucesos del tálamo reclaman ahora toda su atención: sentados en una esquina del lecho, bajo la combinada protección de la Madonna y el Redentor, los cónyuges leerán en voz alta una selección de encíclicas referentes al sacramento de matrimonio y sus fines antes de consultar la edición ilustrada del «Manual de vida sexual sana» que con la muy aggiornada bendición del Gran Mago se autoriza a los recién casados de hoy: para asegurar un acuerdo armonioso que, sin descuidar el generador objetivo, permita a los futuros padres una suave, morigerada satisfacción: las láminas en colores ofrecen un vasto muestrario de posturas propicias a una fecundación segura y la Parejita las estudiará con indulgente, comprensible mimo: gozosa, estremecida, turbada: presintiendo ya la minúscula y leve penetración que orientará al gene por su consabido periplo y colmará, al cabo de nueve meses, sus ansias atávicas: las posiciones tres, dieciséis y veinticuatro parecen relativamente abordables y decidirán ponerlas en práctica con metódica precisión: en cuclillas, uno frente al otro, realizarán diversos ejercicios gimnástico-respiratorios con objeto de aliviar su tensión nerviosa y facilitar la conveniente relajación de los tejidos: la rica experiencia del manual debe permitirles una ejemplar conjugación del verbo amoroso, y las miradas del gentío acecharán con impaciencia el ángulo donde convergen los ombrasolados muslos del novio, aguardando las señas irrefutables de su disposición: no ostensibles aún a primera vista, quizá en virtud de ese poderoso autodominio característico de quienes controlan disciplinadamente su cuerpo merced al férreo magisterio del yoga: sereno, al parecer seguro de sí mismo, proseguirá por espacio de una hora los movimientos inspiratorios-expiatorios que flexibilizan los músculos y favorecen la oportuna afluencia sanguínea en el instante crucial y óptimo: pero a pesar de sus crecientes signos de fatiga y el nerviosismo incipiente de la fiancée, el flujo tumulario no se producirá: ninguna dilatación augural destaca en el vértice de la ingle y el rostro aniñado del novio expresará poco a poco una curiosa mezcla de desconsuelo y bochorno: manual, encíclicas, gimnasia y yoga no bastan: inútilmente ensayará nuevos ejercicios respiratorios, apurará las láminas de colores del libro, espulgará doctrinas conciliares: la perspectiva de los muslos seguirá ignominiosamente despejada y, a medida que el presente de indicativo se encalla y la esperanza del futuro se aleja, la amatoria conjugación pasará a los melancólicos tiempos condicionales y deslizará tristemente al pretérito imperfecto de subjuntivo
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