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At the realization of all he'd wiped out, on his own and for seemingly no good reason, and what was still worse, against his every intention, against his will — of his harshness toward a brother who had never once been harsh to him, who'd never failed to soothe him and come to his aid, of the effect his leaving their households had had on his children — at the humiliating realization that not only physically had he now diminished into someone he did not want to be, he began striking his chest with his fist, striking in cadence with his self-admonition, and missing by mere inches his defibrillator.
Beim Gedanken an all das, was er ausgelöscht hatte, aus eigenem Antrieb und anscheinend ohne guten Grund und, noch schlimmer, gegen alle seine Absichten, gegen seinen Willen – an seine Harte gegen einen Bruder, der ihm gegenüber niemals hart gewesen war, der es nie versäumt hatte, ihn zu trösten und ihm zu Hufe zu eilen, an die Folgen, die sein Weggang für seine Kinder gehabt hatte –, bei der demütigenden Erkenntnis, daß er jetzt nicht nur physisch verfiel und zu jemandem geworden war, der er nicht sein wollte, schlug er sich mit der Faust an die Brust, schlug im Rhythmus seiner Selbstanklagen und verfehlte nur knapp seinen Defibrillator.
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